Even more why….

So there are other reasons for me to blog about my experience.  It will certainly keep it in mind. I’m sure some people would think it would be great to forget and time is a great healer. But I don’t want to forget because I believe having it front of mind (or at least somewhere in my mind) will help me enjoy life more. I have a tendency to get stresses out at times, the main reason being that I take on too much and stress inevitably follows (of which more later). These periods don’t last long but I would like to minimize them if at all possible. This is a choice, a conscious decision to take more control and be more positive. Ultimately it is about balance – the ying and the yang. 

This idea of balance is something  had in mind well before I was sick but did not maintain it…..and this lack of balance is what I believe made me sick (of which much more later).

I think one of the other reasons I think it is important is that, hopefully, other people who have been what I was through, or indeed are going through it now, will take some comfort and hopefully have a giggle at some of the stuff I come out with. I would love to interact with people who have had a similar experience. I was 38 when I was sick and I certainly knew nobody else that young who had cancer. So I would like to communicate about this as I believe it will help us all.

So why blog?......revisited

It struck me some weeks ago that I was so determined to get back to reality two years ago, and subsequently determined to get back to work about 4 months after finishing chemo, that I have missed out on some of the opportunities which the experience has afforded me. By this I mean the realisation of how lucky I was (and am), how much I have in life and how I can use this to ensourage my sense of wonder and appreciation. I remember that nearly every time I was in the hospital for a week and came home, completely whacked from the chemo and the steroids, that I had a sense of wonder for days. I would literally look out the window and marvel at the green grass and flowers. Corny as that may seem now, I had been staring at grey walls in the hospital for over a week and to see something different was fantastic.  To see my children laughing (and fighting) illustrated the life around me as I had shared a ward with some of the sickest people imaginable. Getting back to reality has removed some of this. This is inevitable to some extent I believe as the strains and stresses of normal life return. I mentioned before that when I did alot of meditation earlier this year I felt this appreciation return so I intend to take this up again. But I want to have this sense of appreciation during the day also, to literally make me a better person for having gone through this experience. It was so all encompassing that I believe it can be the driving force for pushing me in new directions. Of this more shortly as I need to work out what these directions are....hence the blog. I think it will help me get my thoughts together on this.

So why blog?

So why would I bother to blog on this subject after 2years? Well, things have moved on. I was so determined to get back to normal, back to exercise and most of all back to work, that I forgot what I went through. For a long time I threw myself into work. About year later I "discovered" meditation, which really helped. But after 6 months I dropped it....I intend to start back soon. But I need to remember more so I can appreciate all I have. Blogging about this will force me to think. More later...."..

The Ordeal

Two years ago I had cancer. I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. There was a tmour the size of my fist wrapped around a vein in the centre of my chest. No laughing matter. With hindsight what is funny is how I remember noticing something was wrong. Whenever I went for a a few dinks (and I mean only 2 or 3 drinks) the next morning my neck was swollen. And when I tied my shoelaces I had to catch my breath for a few seconds afterwards.

So....6 months of treatment. 6 Sessions of 5X24 hour days in hospital hooked up to chemo split by 10 days at home. Definitely no laughing matter. But again, with hindsight I do laugh at the thought that struck me towards the end. I was literally gagging for the chemo to start, because I knew the sooner it started the sooner it would all finish. I remember the movie the French Connection 2 where Popeye Doyle (Gene Hackman) was begging his captors for more heroin as they had created an addict in him. I often smile when I think of my urgency to get it going. CRAZY in hindsight only.

They say that you cannot hide from chemo therapy. It always finds everybody's weakness. My weakness was my blood. Every time I went through it my blood cell count was so low after a few days I could hardly walk to the bathroom without being out of breath and several times needed a blood transfusion. And I have always been really active - a runner who loved swimming and weights. I do remember at the start, being in the hospital and thinking that I could keep up some muscle mass and be a little bit fit during this madness. I was on the floor of a bathroom doing press ups becuase I knew if a nurse saw me I'd get a earful of abuse. Well, the downside was that I collapsed and was flat out for a few minutes. Lucky really, I may not have got up at all. Needless to say this has never been mentioned to anyone.

And then it ended. The thing I desired the most was to be able to go to the gym. Again, not what I'd imagine what everybody would want after the big ordeal, but I knew it was what would make me feel normal again. And I desperately wanted to feel normal again. I wanted to feel the adrenaline running through me again. The day I ran for the first time, which was an impressive feat of about 50 metres before I flagged, I cried.